I’m thinking about taking up a new hobby. It is one I’ve engaged in previously, but never with dogged commitment. Thus far it has been like bowling to me—something I do on occasion, neither well nor passionately. Well, my resolve has shifted, and now, like so many of those around me, I’m ready to dive in wholeheartedly.
What is this fad, this all-the-rage thing? You are probably asking. And my response, first of all, would be, “Don’t be so pushy. I’ll tell you when I am good and ready. In fact, I’m a little offended at your forwardness in the first place.”
That would be my answer to you, but it is also the hobby itself! I’m offend-able! And that is what I’m pretty much all about now. Say something about any old thing at all, and I’m pretty sure I can find a way to get good and riled up about it. Hunt a bunch of deer this fall? That offends me, murderer. Offended about people who hunted a bunch of deer this fall? That offends me, you liberal freedom-killer! See! It is easy and fun and oh so fulfilling! And there is really nothing that can’t offend me. From serious topics like race and religion, to lesser ones like belief in Santa (or unbelief in him, if that’s your insipid style), there is no end to my self-righteous indignation. Sometimes I get so dang worked up, I’ll even tweet about some of these issues! Yep, I’ll raise awareness all right! My Facebook newsfeed will reek of awareness! And I’m not going at it alone, either. My clan of easily offended enthusiasts are ever-present. We storm every comment section there is. We vent freely at supermarkets and restaurants and at home to others who fit precisely into our little faction. We just collectively get it, and wish everyone else would figure it out soon too.
And the best part of my newfound hobby is that it takes the onus totally off of me! I care soooooo much about mincing every word of every celebrity and politician out there, about the tacky choices of my neighbors, about the things my coworkers do in the workplace, that there is nary a moment to really assess myself or find any peccadillo of wrongness present within. I mean, there are bigger fish to fry—but not really fry because that would be cruel to the fish and all, and I AM TOTALLY AGAINST CRUELTY TO ANIMALS . . . but I’m not against it like one of those crazy people who rally and act out about it . . . no, they are even worse and I AM TOTALLY AGAINST THEM TOO. And you? Well you are either with me absolutely on everything or I am TOTALLY AGAINST YOU TOO. If this offends you, well, welcome to the club, now let’s go get self-important out there together! But don’t walk like that as we go, or wear that, or listen to that either . . . I mean, seriously, I would never do that.