This morning I read a bit about potential economic recession. It was enlightening, hearing from the experts. It is always nice—whether we are talking about asteroids hurtling toward earth or debating the world’s most preeminent bowler—to have people with stacks of credentials weighing in. It is comforting because they so resoundingly know the truth. About everything! It lifts my spirits because the unknown is scary, so to have a sage pull back the veil and allow an imbecile like me a glimpse of the future, well, is there any better gift than that?
Oh, and there are so many wonderful “truths” to choose from too!
Take this first group of experts I was reading about. They predict—nay, they declare!—that a global recession with catastrophic impact is coming and I should probably just prepare to be eating bread sandwiches by the end of the week. Even though there will be nothing to buy and nothing to buy that nothing with, I am canceling my weekend plans with gratitude for their candor. I’d rather know a hard truth than live a lie, no matter how opulent that lie might be.
Speaking of opulence, there is this other group of verifiable experts who indicate that we are driving toward Babylon in shiny luxury sedans. That’s right, people with degrees in things like Finance and Economics and (probably) Astrology, are telling me—in the same article, mind you—that the first group of naysayers are total dolts who wouldn’t know a dollar sign if they sat on one. This was such refreshing news! Mere moments before I was ready to sell all my meager wares in order to stock up on food and other survival commodities, and now I’ve been given new economic life! I’m richer than I thought and so is everyone else!
But alas, the article went on. I was living the highs and lows of a daily soap opera—one minute Brooke was in a coma, the next moment she was wide awake and madly in love with Xander once more. My own heart was fit to bursting when I moseyed upon a third ground-breaking take by another set of esteemed experts.
These fence-sitters think a recession may be in the mix and they are certain that it will be at some point “in the future.” How’s that for bold? Forget the past, they say, we are all done predicting that and our record is spotless. Now, imagine the future, and in that future imagine a recession coming. The scholars all but quote the risen Christ, “Times and dates are not for you.” They basically admit to knowing very little, but they do so with a pompous certainty befitting our astute modernity. We are lucky to have such experts and, through them, to become such experts. I thank thee, experts.
The article goes on with a few other views, and all the data seems to be a very intriguing launch of new adult-themed choose-your-own-adventure stories. As for me, I’m not sure when I want my recession, what space travel will look like in a hundred years, or why certain species migrated to Australia or how many billions of years ago it was that they did so, but when I decide on all the things I promise to show as much close-fisted certitude as the gaggle of knowing experts.