By Matt Gordon
Dear Lunch-Time Matt,
I wanted to take a moment to offer, in advance, my sincerest apologies for taking the fruit snacks from your lunch. Sure, I was hungry, but also they were of the miniature dinosaur variety. You know full well the sensation I get from dominating dinosaurs, no matter how small and deliciously chewy they happen to be. I may get conquered by emails and calls today, but at least I’ll do so knowing I took on a T-Rex during my morning commute and I—and my taste buds—won the day!
But still, I’m sorry. I know how you look forward to that part of your lunch.
Also, please, please, please forgive me for accidentally consuming your lunch dessert. You know my feelings about Zebra Cakes and how sometimes I just rip into the package and slam the whole cake into my mouth at once, and then, feeling the sugary surge and before I know it, BAMO, the second cake is likewise devoured. Don’t judge me, Lunch Matt, you have weaknesses too.
As for the pretzels that were in your lunch . . . they, um, weren’t in your lunch today. Just don’t even think about that. In a way, you are sort of lucky not to have those salty, salty pretzels, as you also no longer have a drink. There is nothing like morning dew, especially Mountain Dew, and you and I both know I needed it more than you do. Remember, there is a water spigot directly outside your office building which provides the opportunity for a limitless supply of soothing hydration.
You’re gonna need that hydration too because you still have that delightful peanut butter and jelly sandwich awaiting you! (As for the jelly, well, it looked so smooth and cool, and my poor tongue felt so rough and warm . . . what choice did I have?)
Your banana, too, is no more. The lady in front of me was driving like an idiot so I wolfed down said banana. Then I passed the woman so I could, in Mario Kart fashion, chuck the remaining banana peel in her path. She didn’t slide off the road like in the game, but it was never about that. It was about sending a message.
And speaking of messages, here is mine to you: “Sorry.” I do hope you have a delightful lunch and enjoy what remains of your sandwich, and, remember, you will always get to have lunch again tomorrow—don’t get too caught up in the moment!
Stay sweet. Don’t change.