Portions of this post were originally published in the humor collection “The Monkeys of God.”
On Fridays the soul is light. This lightness of soul liberates the mind to wander and swerve–wait, no, the swerving is the car. The one I am driving on my way to work. Fridays are for thinking of absurdities, then arriving to work and jotting them down. Here are the musings of this Friday’s four-minute commute:
-If I were a river, I’d want to be one that is real stagnant or maybe one that runs upstream. That way people would be less likely to use the bathroom in me.
-When rabbits decide to take photos, I wonder if they have some way of mocking humans?
-COVID Hack: Instead of washing your hands for twenty seconds every single time you eat or use the bathroom, just give a good five to seven minute hand-washing in the morning and be good to go all day. You’re welcome.
-Trash cans don’t have a whole lot to be excited about.
-I wonder what kind of superhero I would be. I’m not strong and I dislike flying. I’d probably be the type of superhero who is pretty good at Scrabble and a safe driver.
-I bet it can be pretty awkward to get the conversation going for gang members after they beat someone into the gang. That’s why I’d like to be in the gang. I could be the guy who comes up with the fun icebreakers after the beat-down–“Well now that we’ve beaten him, let’s get to know him! And ourselves!”
-If bugs came up with a device for making them smash proof . . . oh, man, then what would we do?
-Even though they often use rough tones, robbers are pretty positive communicators. “Everybody down and no gets hurt!” is a pretty nice way of saying, “Lie down or I’ll shoot bullets at your face!” Charging into a convenience store with, “This is a stick up!” sounds a whole lot kinder than, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot bullets at your face!” It almost sounds like a fun event, a stick up. Even “Freeze!” is much better than, “Move and I’ll shoot bullets at your face!” If only they could be more gentle. Really, tone is the only issue–that, and the robbing.
-If I were an early world explorer and I saw a savage in the woods, I would just kind of act like I didn’t see him–sort of exactly like I do now at the mall when I see someone I went to high school with.
-Thunder probably really hates lightning. What a show-off.
-One of my favorite things used to be to lie out on the porch and watch the stars. I’d go out and recline my chair, and sometimes, when the temperature was just cool enough outside, I’d slip out of my clothes and into the hot tub. There I’d just gaze up at the majesty and beauty of it all, and realize how small we all really are. It was there where I found myself, naked in that tub, and there where I found my place in this world. It was also there where the police found me and told me again that I wasn’t allowed on my neighbor’s property anymore.
-If I were elected President of the United States, I think I would do an incredible job. One thing I’d for sure do is wait for my first really big dinner and then stand up. The room would get quiet wondering what the new president was going to say. Then I’d just mutter, “Pardon me.” They’d all think I just needed to leave the room or apologize for flatulence or have forgotten whatever I had planned to say. But then I’d commit a heinous crime right there in front of everyone, and when they’d try to haul me off to some jail I’d yell, “Sorry! I’ve already been pardoned!” Then I’d just laugh and laugh and laugh. I think they’d laugh too because they would have to or else. I’m the President after all.
Want more idiocy during a trying, serious time? Check back in on Fridays for weekly dose of quick, light-hearted absurdity.