By: Matt Gordon
NOTE: A version of this piece was originally published in the humor collection “The Monkeys of God.”
I’ve been watching a lot of Wheel of Fortune for a person who isn’t institutionalized or elderly. I love Pat and Vanna and the puzzles and the funny mistakes that occur. But aside from all the drama of the game, there’s even something to be gleaned from the commercials. On about every commercial break there will be an ad about male impotency. These are ads directed at men who would like to take medicine for help with . . . you know what? We’re all adults here. You know what these ads are all about. But there is always this odd line in them that goes like this, “Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
I sure am glad they’re concerned for the well-being of their clients, but I doubt seriously that any man has ever asked that question. If some fellow happened to ask that at the prompting of his over-protective (and possibly agenda-oriented) spouse and was told, “Sorry, guy, but no. You should not, for your heart’s sake, engage in sex,” that it would be the end of the story? “Sorry, honey. Old ticker’s feeling blue. Can you put those clothes back on please? Doctor’s orders and all.” I mean, the guys the ads are targeting are men who specifically want these medications with a singular desire in mind. You think they are going to let their dingy old heart or dingy old doctor get in the way?
I don’t think I would ever say this, and it got me to thinking about other things I’ll never say. Things like:
-If only I could get rid of some of this darn money!
-Extra pickles, please.
-Can you please try to chew a bit louder? Put some gusto in it.
-I’d like to buy a vowel.
-Mind passing me that detonator?
-At least it’s a cute snake.
-Wish this road were windier.
-Music just hasn’t gone “pop” enough, you know?
-Oh good! A new show with crime scenes as a focal point!
-I love my new haircut!
-Nic Cage really is quite talented.
-Do you know where I can score some drugs?
-Check out this app, bro.
-Could you direct me to the free weights?
-Where’s your sleeveless shirt section?
-I wish I had a miniature dog to put sweaters on.
-Honey, that outfit looks like it was made with a fitter person in mind.
-Man, I wish the last person who used this toilet could have somehow gotten more urine everywhere.
-You pregnant? You look pregnant. You pregnant?
-Missouri really is the new Rome.
-There just aren’t enough commercials these days.
-Oh, yes! Please tickle my feet some more! Keep it up! Don’t let the tears or vomit stop you! Tickle away!
-Guys who do karate are really hip.
-My motorcycle just feels faster when I don’t wear a helmet.
-I wish there was a television station that coupled the aesthetic merits of power lifting and good-hearted cooking acumen and featured it, like, 24-7.
-You call the cops; I’ll check Twitter!
-Is this too much heel?
-Ugh, there are too many chips in this bag of chips. I wish they’d put more empty space in these giant bags. Way, way too many chips.
-Man, could I ever go for some White Castle sliders.
-(related to the above) Man, I was hoping I’d have diarrhea today!
-Doctor, is my heart healthy enough for sex?