By: Matt Gordon
Portions of this post were originally published in the humor collection “The Monkeys of God.”
-I bet it is hard for a good assassin to stand out in his or her field. If I were an assassin, I’d go the extra mile with fancy invoices and overt professionalism. My customer service would be second to none. If I was second to someone, I’d take care of that someone because I’d be an assassin and all. I’d kill my marks with guns and my clients with kindness.
-I know one thing that would drive me crazy as a polygamist would be when a spouse would remind me to vacuum after one of her sister wives had just reminded me to vacuum.
-I think being a pirate would be fun if I could do it in my own way. I’m not too materialistic, so I wouldn’t be down for all that pillaging. Also, I’m pretty nice so the fighting and other bad stuff—no thanks. So that would free up a ton of pirate hours. I’m not sure how I’d fill it. One way is that I’d like to roller skate around the ship deck. All us pirates would just skate around, whooping and hollering and have a jolly good time. We’d even invite the women pirates to come hang out and skate too; that would make things more social. Only with all that skating and the arcade games we’d have and the shuffleboard and ping pong areas, the deck of the ship wouldn’t be big enough. Also, the risk of skating overboard to certain death would be really prominent, so we’d probably just move things somewhere inland and indoors. Probably a skating rink. We would probably just wear normal clothes too. Yeah, being a pirate sure would be great.
-Sailboats would be a lot faster if they had motors and people didn’t have to mess with silly sails all the time.
-Type of Park Ratings (TPRs)
City Park: OK
Water Park: Fun
Fire Park: Dangerous
Money Park: Awesome
-I think I have a lot of potential. It is just that big break—that is what I need. If could just gird up some talent and then got that big break and maybe had a lot of money, then look out, world! Then I’d really start seeing my potential turn into something really amazing in whatever thing I had potential in. And this is why I like dreams. They allow me to remember just how incredible I am without worrying over conventional results or “success” or accomplishments or mastery or all that nonsense. Nope, it is just me and my potential, dreaming away the days.
-Another thing about being a polygamist is all those anniversaries! Do you think the polygamist ever forgets about his least favorite sister wife’s anniversary until the day of and so he has to use the gift he had ordered months ago for his most favorite sister wife’s upcoming anniversary? If so, I bet that really stinks later when he has to come up with something different and even better for his most favorite sister wife. DRAMA!
-If I had some wishes, I definitely would use one to create a little flying creature like a bee, but not a bee. I’d keep this little creature in a cozy, comfortable cage, and whenever a bee stung someone, I’d let the little creature loose. It would then go and sting that bee. I think in this way we could raise awareness among the bee population and change the way they see and treat the world around them. Encourage some empathy and all that. I’d also wish for a bunch of money and some friends.
-I had a pet rock once, and he was really great. His name was Karma, and he was about the best pet rock there was. I drew a little face on him and everything, and he was always there for me, just a-smiling away. Then one day my ex-friend Tyler skipped Karma into a lake. I cried and cried, but it all turned out all right because later the same day I skipped Tyler’s hamster Herb into the same lake.
-The Hamburglar sure wasn’t very good at “blending in” and “looking innocent.” If he’d had played his cards right—I mean, just a little bit of effort—it would have been easy to pin hamburger theft on big fat Grimace.
-I wonder if the donkey and elephant ever pause and think, “Why us?”
-There are a lot of hard things in life. Polygamy seems like one of them.