By Matt Gordon
President Joe Biden apparently got right to work after being inaugurated. One of the things he did was express his intention to remove the word “alien” from US Immigration Laws, an act I question deeply. Now, not the actual part about deciding not to call other human beings aliens. No, that part seems pretty reasonable. That is a word reserved for people you wanted to be mean to in junior high and, you know, actual aliens.
And that latter part brings me to my concerns. We live in a conspiratorial age. There are the age-old conspiracies, of course, like that Tupac is alive somewhere with Elvis. Or that the earth is flat. Or that Bill Gates and Elon Musk are actually time traveling villains from the future who have landed in the here and now in order to begin their sordid plot at impending world domination. Or that Donald Trump is really Grimace from the old McDonald’s cartoons, just with a wig and orange paint on. And, of course, these are all true. I verified them on the internet just now. And that is why Joe Biden needs not only to be thinking about removing the word “alien” from some racially-charged laws, but invoking some new laws around actual aliens that could be descending any time on some space Tesla.
The thing is, when the actual aliens come—not good-hearted folks from other lands, but sinister foreign species from other galaxies—we don’t have a leg to stand on. Earth, to my knowledge, has done very little to formalize legislation against otherworldly trespasses. We can ban Harry Potter from some schools, but we are unwilling to roll the sleeves of diplomacy up and form a worldwide coalition against galactic malcontents, WCAGM or what have you. We can’t even arrest and prosecute these invaders!
Think of all the aliens you know. Most of them are bad news, right? Jabba the Hut. Those ones from Independence Day. Those other ones from the sequel to Independence Day. Thanos. Nic Cage. Megatron. I mean, these are some serious ne’er-do-wells.
And sure, there are some good ones like ET and ALF. But are we sure about that? First, just look at ET. Go on, I’ll wait. Most of us can agree that judging something by looks is a pretty fair and good way to go through life, right? So one look at ET tells me something is amiss. Just too much neck, I think. Plus, what is all that slinking about—hiding in stuffed animals and whatnot? And he is obviously possessing Elliott. So a necksome, sinister looking creature begins to feed thoughts and emotions (and alcohol!) into an impressionable youth, then the beast dies and reanimates, before eluding all the adults in the film through the power of flight and telling the boy/host, “I’ll be right here!” and pointing to the lad’s brain. This, my fellow Americans and people of the world, is not all right. Guy was up to something with all that “phone home” business.
And ALF is no better. The cat-eating alone. The dude ate cats! I declare! I don’t know what I declare, but I declare it! Let me pull a Matthew McConaughey on you here: “Imagine it were a dog.” See? You’ve been blinded by an ugly bit of pet preference, or, as I call it to save time, “peterence.” Are we just fine with allowing a wise-cracking fur ball access to our beloved pets? Even our cats deserve better than that, folks.
Yet here comes Joe Biden, strolling into the White House with some hyper-focus on humanity. Declaring he is in it for “all Americans” not just those who voted for him. And with all this focus on peace and unity here on earth, I have to wonder if the big conspiracy is afoot—if he is in on it? If him and some republicans and rich people and poor people and Black people and white people and foreign people and atheist people and religious people are all part of some master plan? Some short-sighted attempt at getting along for the greater good and attempting to love thy neighbor as yourself and all that for a spell?
Makes me sick to think about because it is precisely the type of thing the otherworldly wants to achieve.
A conspiracy is afoot.
Politics aside, let’s hope it prevails.