By: Matt Gordon
This is a message from the World Health Advisory Team concerning your recent exposure to COVID-19. As part of our national plan for disease mitigation, our goal is to help people like you navigate quarantine safely, wisely, and, most importantly, with clarity. The following outlines scenarios unique to your contact tracing situation and should clarify, with exactitude, when you can break quarantine and return to normative socially distant activities. Thank you for your thoroughness in following protocol.
If you do not develop symptoms, please stay at home for fourteen (14) days. During this time, you may get tested for COVID-19.
If, during your fourteen (14) day quarantine, you get tested and your results are negative, please quarantine for another seven (7) days from when the symptoms didn’t start originally.
If, during your fourteen (14) day quarantine, you get tested and your results are positive, please stay home until your symptoms end, and then begin a new quarantine cycle retroactive to the last federal holiday and then counting forward from the number forty-five (45).
If you do develop symptoms during your fourteen (14) day period, await the next full moon. When that moon appears in the night sky, wait till midnight and, in a socially distant manner, go outdoors and howl at it. If you do not develop further symptoms please quarantine until you either do or don’t. If you do develop further symptoms, it is likely attributable to you being outside at midnight in winter, continue your quarantine. If you turn into a wolf of some kind, do not visit your doctor—you could eat him or give him COVID-19. Wait until returning to human state and then read the CDC website’s entry on COVID-19 three times, followed by five Hail Mary’s. Continue your quarantine and keep the whole thing to yourself.
If you poop yourself as a symptom, tell no one. They may say they won’t look at you any differently, but believe me, they will.
If you are tested in the first week of quarantine, the test is less than meaningless and you add a week to quarantine for being an imbecile.
If you remain asymptomatic following a positive test, take ten (10) days to think about which three symptoms and books you would take with you if you were stranded on a desert island.
If, at any point, you begin bleeding from your eye sockets that really doesn’t sound good.
If you think you have developed symptoms following a negative test and take another two (2) to six (6) tests that are also negative, you can seriously stop taking tests, honey, you are not pregnant, okay?
If, during quarantine, you need any more information at all about your return to regular pandemic activities, please do not hesitate to ask, in which case we will send you another automated email with completely different recommendations.
Again, thank you for following these instructions with precision.
In good health,