Posted on: March 5, 2021 Posted by: vudfc Comments: 0

By Matt Gordon

The Generalist

Here at The Generalist, we want to be your one-stop shop for news. We pride ourselves on objectivity. In fact, we are so committed to objectivity in the news du jour, that our coverage becomes wonderfully general. Specifics call for a level of nuance we and our readers have grown uncomfortable with, so we have opted to avoid such altogether. With our brand of general news coverage, you can be assured you are getting the high-level facts. While some outlets seek a 30,000 foot view, we go even higher—we double it! This permits a more pleasant, quicker reading of the daily news, and it allows the daily news to be current pretty much always. Thanks for subscribing to The Generalist.

Here is today’s news:

Politics:

The President gave a speech recently in which he said numerous things. These things were said in an orderly fashion and not all at once. Pauses were placed between most words, with longer pauses following completed sentences. Pause. Like that. The speech was recorded by people with recording mechanisms, and that is one of the ways we know this speech happened at all. Some of the comments were political in nature, and all of them were in nature nature—this speech being done out-of-doors (and windows too). Though not mentioned, it is presumed the President will speak again on this or some other issue at some point during his presidency. The Vice President was in attendance. Might have been in attendance at this speech, or the opera, or in attendance in the Vice President’s quarters. But she was very much in attendance somewhere. This speech will have ramifications to some group or policy to some particular extent at some uncertain or certain time. Lunch was served to media members. Sandwiches mostly.

Weather:

It will be lighter today than it was last night by a large magnitude. We expect more darkness overnight with the same trend of the sky being overhead on into the weekend. Rain is in the forecast in the future, but we do expect a warming trend too, likely during the summer months. Expect seasonal highs, lows, or averages over the next span of days, and we do anticipate wind at some point. Temperatures will be in degrees Fahrenheit, but that should give way to Celsius throughout most of Europe. When it is cold and the conditions are just right, we predict snow. You will know it when you see it.

Sports

In a game played between two teams last night, one team defeated the other by a score. One of the players was the leading scorer, tallying more points than any of the other players. This player, numbered differently than any other player on his or her own team, made more than one shot, and some of them went straight through the net in what kids in the 1980s called a SWOOSH, while others made contact with the rim before going in which has, to this point, gone unnamed. Another player in the game took care of the glass, grabbing, with hands, more rebounds than the other athletes (or fans), likely due to superior size, strength, effort, or some combination of the three. Both teams had shooting percentages that equally reflected the number of shots they made compared with the total number of shots they attempted. These numbers were narrowly or starkly different and certainly had an impact on the game. The teams also shot free throws, some makes and some misses, and recorded more passes and dribbles than turnovers.

One key play in the game occurred during the course of play.

An intermission was held between the first and second halves, and several shorter timeouts were granted based on the requests of coaches and/or players. After the game, one coach was disgusted while the other was elated and at some point, “Very proud of the team.” Both teams will play in other contests at later dates, and those too will be played in full and finish with one team having more points than the other.

Virus

A pandemic is still a disease that is affecting the whole wide world. Its impact is long ways too.

Entertainment

A popular celebrity couple is calling it quits, and their names are not Pat and Vanna.

New movies are set to be released in the future. Many of these movies will feature plots, though some will opt for superheroes instead.

Many new streaming services are slated to come to market, and they are excited about nickel-and-diming Americans even further and leaving many to wonder how, without television, they will continue on a track of merciless obesity and social isolation once they are priced out of their favored programming.

Healthy Living

Many health gurus and bloggers are coming out with revolutionary new books and training series that posit that exercise and healthy eating are better for you than lying around all day and binging snack foods. You can order these materials online or at brick-and-mortar stores with brick-and-mortar salespeople who will make you feel small and weak and transform you into being poorer for all the stuff they bully you into purchasing.

There is increased competition in the home workout market, as several new devices hit market that promise to transform the way you buy expensive things that you stop using in two weeks.

Thank you for reading today’s online edition of The Generalist. Have a good something or other.

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